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INT. XANDER'S APARTMENT- NIGHT
On Anya, still in demon face. Satisfied.
Then:
XANDER
I know this is all coming
out wrong.
We see Xander still stands behind Anya. She whips
around, HUMAN-FACED again. Disbelieving.
ANYA
I -- I wish you felt the pain
of a
thousand searing pokers boiling your
heart in its own
juices!
Xander looks at Anya sympathetically.
ANYA (cont'd)
Or, your
pancreas!
XANDER
I know, honey. I totally
deserve that.
Anya glares, throwing her back into it.
ANYA
I wish you lived in a state
of
constant panic! I wish you had
tentacles where your beady
eyes
should be! I wish your intestines
were twisted into knots and
ripped
apart inside your lousy gut!
XANDER
(pained)
They
are.
ANYA
(brightening)
Really?
Right now?
Anya's suddenly unsure of what she's done, concern
creeping into her voice despite her anger.
ANYA (cont'd)
Does it
hurt?
XANDER
God, yes. It hurts so bad
it's
killing me. Anya, I love you. I want
to make this work.
ANYA
(getting it)
Those are
metaphor intestines!
You're not in real pain!
(to herself)
What's wrong
with me?
XANDER
It's not you, honey. It's
me. I'm
the one that --
ANYA
(frustrated)
Gaggghh!!
She storms out.
XANDER
Ahn, wait.
Please...
He goes to the door, leans out.
XANDER (cont'd)
Ahn?
The hallway is empty. She's gone.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - MORNING
HALFREK and Anya, both in HUMAN FACE, sit in an
almost-empty coffee shop, each with a large mug of foamy espresso.
HALFREK
...no child support in,
like, eleven
years, not a single check, so now,
every time he picks up a
piece of
paper that isn't a check for the
child? Paper cut.
Anya zones, staring into her cup of
coffee.
HALFREK (cont'd)
I mean, you know
how I hate to toot
my own horn, but...
Anya still not there. Halfrek begins to
notice.
HALFREK (cont'd)
He's just covered
in all these tiny
little bandages. Like a quilt. Made
of
bandages.
Anya looks up.
ANYA
Hmmmm?
HALFREK
Okay, did they not have
listening
skills in Human World?
ANYA
I'm sorry. I know. I'm
just
distracted.
HALFREK
What, this thing with
Xander? Don't
worry, you'll find a way --
ANYA
No, that's just it, I
tried
everything, every curse I knew,
nothing worked.
HALFREK
Wait. You tried to curse
him
yourself?
ANYA
Well, yeah. I'm the wronged
party
here, of course I --
HALFREK
You can't exact justice
against
someone on behalf of yourself, silly!
How long have you
been away?
ANYA
I haven't been scorned by a
man in,
like, a thousand years. I never had
to make a wish for myself.
Isn't
there some way around that?
HALFREK
Well... You could try
getting someone
to make the wish for you. I suppose.
Anya considers the idea. A mirthless smile tugs at
her lips. Oh yes -- that'll do.
EXT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - FRONT YARD -
MORNING
Establishing shot. We see the LAWN GNOME in front
of the house...
INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Dawn enters to find Buffy preparing plates of
breakfast: eggs, pancakes, toast. Three kinds of cereal.
DAWN
Uh, gosh. Did we open a
chain? Are
we the International House of
something?
BUFFY
Got up early, seemed like a
breakfast
kind of morning, what kind of syrup
you want on your
pancakes?
DAWN
(suspicious)
Syrup comes
in kinds?
BUFFY
You know, I was thinking,
after the
mall yesterday, maybe staying in
tonight might be kinda cool,
so
whaddya think of, like, a big video
and pizza night?
DAWN
Um...
BUFFY
Oh, and do you have plans
this
weekend? 'Cause I was thinking maybe
we could try to get to
--
DAWN
Hey, I'm gonna be okay with
the
basement thing. Really.
BUFFY
This isn't guilt. I want us
to spend
time.
DAWN
Okay. Good. I like spending
time --
BUFFY
But I'm cramping your
teenage style.
DAWN
No --
BUFFY
I am. I'm the embarrassing
mom who
tries too hard. When did this happen?
DAWN
No, you're not, it's not
that, it's,
see, instead of you hanging out with
me, maybe... maybe I
could hang out
with you.
Buffy doesn't get it. Dawn takes a deep breath,
then:
DAWN (cont'd)
Why don't I come
patrol with you
tonight?
Buffy is quiet for a moment. Then:
BUFFY
Uh huh. And then maybe we'll
invite
over some strangers and ask them to
feed you candy.
DAWN
You guys all went out
patrolling
every night when you were my age.
BUFFY
Yes, well, technically,
you're one-
and-a-half.
Dawn is so not amused.
BUFFY (cont'd)
See, I thought a
little levity might,
okay, but also no.
DAWN
I just... I just think I
could help.
BUFFY
I'm sure you could. But it's
more
dangerous than I had in mind.
DAWN
But --
BUFFY
Dawn. I'm trying so hard to
keep you
away from that stuff. I don't want
you to be around dangerous
things
that can kill you.
DAWN
Which would be a perfectly
reasonable
argument if my sister was chosen to
protect the world from tax
audits.
But my sister is, see, you, and
dangerous things that can kill
me
seem to find me.
BUFFY
But you don't have to go
looking for
them.
(a beat)
Eat up. You'll be late for
school.
Buffy turns back to the stove. Dawn sits,
resigned, not wanting to push Buffy any further.
INT. ESPRESSO PUMP - DAY
Tara and Willow sit across a table from each other
with coffee and scones. Comfortable, happy.
TARA
Okay, wait, it was under her
wig?
WILLOW
It was this thing, and it
came out
from inside her head.
TARA
That's disgusting. What did
it look
like?
WILLOW
Well... let's put it this
way. If I
wasn't gay before...
TARA
Gah. And this was after
the
invisible ray?
WILLOW
Yes.
TARA
Okay, I go away for a couple
of
months...
WILLOW
Oh, did I tell you about
the demon
eggs?
TARA
See, now I know you're just
trying to
make me jealous.
WILLOW
So, what, no rollicking
adventures in
the dorms?
TARA
It's not the same. It's not
like
living in a house full of family or
sharing a room with someone
you...
you know...
WILLOW
Are friends
with?
ANYA
Hey.
Tara and Willow stop, the mood broken. Willow
gives Anya a hug.
WILLOW
Oh my god. You're
back.
TARA
We've been so
worried.
ANYA
Sorry. I just needed to...
I
couldn't stay here. Not after that.
TARA
No! No, we totally
understand.
WILLOW
But you're back now.
Right?
ANYA
It's...
complicated.
They sit at the table.
ANYA (cont'd)
There's a lot to
deal with.
WILLOW
If there's anything we can
do, just
let us --
ANYA
Actually, there is an eensy
something
I could use a little help with.
You're lesbians, so the hating
of men
will come in handy.
Willow opens her mouth to refute that, but Anya
keeps going.
ANYA (cont'd)
(brightly)
Let's
talk about Xander.
CUT TO:
INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY
Anya's talking to Dawn.
DAWN
He feels awful.
ANYA
You think it's anywhere close
to what
I feel?
DAWN
No, but --
ANYA
What if it were you, Dawn?
What if
all you dreamed about was that
magical day? The day when the
one
person you loved with all your soul
would promise to cherish and
protect
your heart for the rest of his life?
But instead he shatters it
into a
million jagged pieces. Bet you'd
wish he'd feel more than just
a
weensy awful, wouldn't you?
CUT TO:
EXT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - DAY
Anya's sitting on the front railing, talking with
Buffy.
BUFFY
I don't think he could feel
any worse.
ANYA
Let's test that
theory.
BUFFY
Anya, Xander's my friend. I
know
what he did was wrong and if it had
happened to me I'd --
ANYA
(hopefully)
-- wish his
penis would explode?
CUT TO:
INT. ESPRESSO PUMP - DAY
Back with Tara and Willow.
TARA
It's not really so much about
hating
the men.
WILLOW
We're more centered around
the girl
on girl action.
ANYA
And men really like to watch
that
kind of stuff, don't they? Men like
Xander.
TARA
Well, I --
ANYA
Don't you wish his eyes would
explode?
CUT TO:
INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY
With Dawn:
DAWN
I never use that word
anymore.
ANYA
Coagulate?
DAWN
W-i-s-h.
ANYA
Oh, wish? As in I wish Xander
--
DAWN
Right! That word. There's
vengeance
demons out there that are still
active, remember. Any 'I wish'
could
totally end in horrible grossness.
ANYA
Gimme a
fer-instance.
EXT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - DAY
With Buffy:
BUFFY
I don't really think I
should --
ANYA
Did I mention the whole "left
at the
altar" thing? Didn't leave that out,
did I?
BUFFY
No, I know what he did was
wrong.
God. I can't imagine -- It must have
been torture.
ANYA
Okay! Let's talk about
torture!
INT. MAGIC BOX - DAY
With Dawn:
ANYA
Tell me more about wishing
Xander's
guts and brains would go blooey.
DAWN
I didn't say that.
ANYA
Yes you did.
DAWN
No I didn't.
ANYA
I heard you.
DAWN
I swear, I didn't say
that.
ANYA
Didn't say what?
Dawn stares blankly at Anya.
DAWN
Um, I just saw you were back
and
wanted to talk about working off my
debt. You know, my whole
Sticky-
Fingers-Grabby-Hands-thing?
ANYA
Oh! Right, the mad thieving.
Good,
yes, there 's much to do.
(mock stern)
I'm gonna put you to work,
missy!
She laughs, a bit forced, then:
ANYA (cont'd)
So, back to Xander's
brain and guts...
EXT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - DAY
ANYA
Squish squish squish! Guys
have been
running roughshod over you for years.
Torturing that perky
little ticker.
Aren't you sick of it? Don't you
wish guys like that
--
BUFFY
Whoa, what guys?
There have only
been four -- three! Only three guys!
That's barely
plural.
ANYA
And didn't each of them rip
your
heart out? Don't men like that, as
to pick an example, Xander,
deserve
to be punished?
OMITTED
INT. ESPRESSO PUMP - DAY
Anya's had just about all she can take.
WILLOW
Well, Xander is a man, so
it's kinda
not the surprise that he likes to
watch... Girls... Why are we
talking
about this?
ANYA
(urgently)
We're
comforting me.
TARA
Well, I guess it's natural
for guys
to be interested in --
ANYA
God! What kind of lesbian are
you?!
If you love men so much, go love men!
She shoots up out of her chair.
EXT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - DAY
Anya has sprung off her seat on the railing,
agitated.
BUFFY
Anya, I know you're hurting,
but --
ANYA
What? Xander doesn't deserve
to
suffer for what he did because he's
your friend? And I'm not.
Right.
I get it.
BUFFY
No, that's not what I'm
saying. What
he did was wrong. He knows that.
Anya's anger gives way to obvious pain.
ANYA
It just -- it hurts. He hurt
me so
much.
Buffy puts a comforting hand on her
arm.
BUFFY
I know. He really did. I
wish...
Anya tenses. This is it.
XANDER (O.S.)
Anya?
Xander is coming up the walk. Anya glares at him,
her hurt replaced with seething anger.
ANYA
Congratulations. They all
still love
you. Even after what you did to me.
She storms off down the street.
XANDER
Anya, wait...
He moves to go after her, but Buffy catches his
arm.
BUFFY
Okay. Not crazy about that
idea.
XANDER
What are you doing? I have
to go
after her.
BUFFY
Or, in the Land of the Sane,
you
could give her some space and let her
cool down.
Xander paces the lawn, frustrated.
XANDER
That's not Proactive Guy.
That's Sit-
Around-And-Wait-For-The-Rest-of-His-
Life-To-Turn-To-Crap
Guy.
BUFFY
True, but Crap Guy gets to
keep all
his appendages.
XANDER
So I'm just supposed to
what? Walk
away?
(hating himself)
That shouldn't be too hard.
It's
what I'm good at, isn't it?
Xander lashes out, kicking the lawn gnome in
frustration.
BUFFY
Okay, see, this is why a
heart to
heart isn't your best course of
action here. You're both upset
and
angry and what the hell is that
creepy little thing doing in my
yard?
Did Willow put that there when I was
dead? 'Cause if I had known, I
would
have crawled out of the grave sooner
to kick her --
Xander's kneeling in front of the cracked gnome
head.
XANDER
Buffy.
Xander pulls a whirring CAMERA out of the gnome
head.
BUFFY
Oh my God.
XANDER
(re: the front
door)
Looks like someone's been keeping an
eye on all your ins and
outs.
BUFFY
What the -- who
--
XANDER
Okay, well, let's see.
Who's
obsessed with Buffy? Who likes to
hang out here in the yard and keep
an
eye on her? Who's the guy in love
with you but not getting
any?
INT. SPIKE'S CRYPT - NIGHT
SPIKE
What's this?
We see that Spike holds the camera in his hand.
Buffy is there, too.
BUFFY
It's a camera.
SPIKE
Yeah, I got that part. Why
am I
holding it?
BUFFY
Someone was using it to spy
on me.
On the house. Xander thinks it
might've been you.
SPIKE
(pissed)
Oh, the great
Xander thinks so!
Shudder gasp! It must be true!
BUFFY
Spike --
SPIKE
That ponce has always had it
for me.
Every chance he gets, he sticks it --
He catches the uncertain look on her face,
stops.
SPIKE (cont'd)
You believe him,
don't you? You
think I was spying on you.
Buffy doesn't respond.
SPIKE (cont'd)
You think I could
do that.
BUFFY
Yeah, righteous indignation
is
absolutely the way to go here, 'cause
you don't kill or lie or steal
or
manipulate --
Spike carefully hands the camera back to
Buffy.
SPIKE
(quiet)
I don't hurt
you.
Buffy looks down at the camera.
BUFFY
I know.
SPIKE
No, you don't. I've tried to
make it
clear to you, but you won't see it.
Something happened to me. The
way I
feel... about you... It's different.
No matter how hard you try
to
convince yourself it isn't. It's real.
BUFFY
(gently)
I think it
is.
(a beat)
For you.
Spike stares at her, her implication a stake in
his chest.
BUFFY (cont'd)
I know that's not
what you want to
hear. And I'm sorry. I really am.
You just... have to
move on. You have to --
Spike just looks at her, seething, desperate.
Then:
SPIKE
(softly)
Get
out.
Buffy hesitates for a moment, wanting to say
something, but Spike turns away. Done.
She leaves.
INT. MAGIC BOX - NIGHT
Anya and Halfrek, in human face. Anya's behind the
counter
ANYA
No, they're all, oh, poor
Xander, it
took so much out of him, all that
running away he did. I just
don't
understand what's wrong with these
people.
HALFREK
Did you really think they
were the
ones to help you?
ANYA
But --
HALFREK
Do you want retribution,
Anyanka?
ANYA
I want Xander good and
cursed.
HALFREK
Then you know what you
have to do.
ANYA
Get a wish from someone who
doesn't
freaking love him.
HALFREK
Exactly.
ANYA
Yeah, but my social circle is
a
little limited here, what am I
supposed to do, just stumble
upon
someone who doesn't give a fig's ass
if Xander gets hurt?
The bell over the door RINGS, the door swings
open.
Spike enters.
SPIKE
Hey. I need a
thing.
Anya takes him in, her eyes dancing. Just what the
curse ordered...
BLACK OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
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